I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
