so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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