you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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