allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's official drugs can't kill me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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