Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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