yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.