You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.