all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
