Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
