this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
