is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
