I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
