I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
