Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
