There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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