youre lurking in front of me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i drank out of a bidet.
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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