How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
