I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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