she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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