You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
