I wish I could punch you in the face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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