so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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