The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The uberlube is also flammable
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
