Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
