Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
