I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
