A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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