seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
