I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
