fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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