Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
