Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
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Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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