I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
