I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
