he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
