you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
