I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
