update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You dont lie about slip and slides
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
