some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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