Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
