he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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