I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
