if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
a search helicopter?!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
