ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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