you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
