Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
