A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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