i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
