Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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