Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
