I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
