im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
