i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
