i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
